Ladies and Gentlemen, and people who found this website while looking for porn,
The Declaration of Constitution
The Columbia University Marching Band
as ratified on the 11th of November, 2012
We the Maggots of Columbia College, Barnard College, The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, The School of General Studies, The French Culinary Institute, and the various affiliated institutions and Graduate Facilities, in order to form more perfect chords, establish humor, ensure the absence of tranquility, provide for the common entertainment, promote the basketball team and secure attendance at football games, and lower the curve in Organic Chemistry, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band.
Article the 69th:
G(tb)^2 and The Cleverest Band in the World™ shall be the two sacred texts of the Columbia University Marching Band. All decisions regarding the Band must be made in accordance with these principles.
Article the First:
We'll take whoever shows up, but to vote in elections, you have to have gone, in uniform, to 3 football games (and at least one practice in each of the weeks leading up to the 3 football games) within the previous year, unless you're special. To do things like ride the bus and come to our meetings, you have to go to one of the above schools, unless you're special. Members must be either male or female (strap-on genitalia acceptable, even encouraged, but not provided). The Membership of the Marching Band shall provide for the election of the following officers, elected in the following order, at some date after the second-to-last football game and before the last football game. Positions cannot be shared. If you need help, delegating responsibilities is not only fine, but encouraged.
Responsible for bureaucratic and managerial side of the Bored. Keep Band running at cost to own personal health, academic record, sanity, and love life. Responsible for scheduling events, keeping the Bored working together, and maintaining communication. Official student representative to Administration, Alumni, and Athletics. Go to the Ivy Bands Conference, but do not take a taxi. Responsible for use of Band's name. Be anal. Not a secretary, slave, or administrative assistant. Thanks you for cumbing.
Responsible for performance. Waves arms. Tights optional. Runs rehearsal. Responsible for helping to find someone to transcribe music. Should know what's going on and when to play. Works with the Poet Laureate on field shows and with Section Leaders about musical direction. Knows when to tweet. Thanks you for cumbing.
Responsible for writing the scripts, keeping the old scripts in his or her desk drawer. Gets sad when stuff gets cut. In charge of planning out formations. Comes up with clever euphemisms for "the band now forms a penis." Posts said scripts on that Internet thingy. Works with Minister of Propaganda to put stuff on that Internet thingy.
Responsible for maintaining the Oral Tradition (and we mean oral) at Band events. Literacy not required. Brings the candle. Organizes social gatherings. Passes the hat. Coordinates clean-up.
Knows how much money we have. Decides how much money to spend, and what to spend it on. Writes the budget. Knows the people at SDA and SACBO. Knows about E-forms. Orders bagels. Picks up bagels. Carries bagels. Is frugal.
Minister of Propaganda:
Responsible for any tree-based products including schedules, posters, creating tri-folds, posting posters, advertising, and recruitment paraphernalia.
RResponsible for Band members. Knows where you left 'em, knows what's wrong with 'em. Hires men with funny accents to go get 'em. Keeps people informed of stuff. Knows the cumb-announcements system like the back of your hand. Does the monkey. Calls people. Calls people. Calls people. Makes you cumb. Calls the Cottage. Makes bandies' roommates hate you. Responsible for meeting quota.
Responsible for Band-owned instruments, uniforms, and associated hardware. Knows where you left 'em, knows what's wrong with 'em. Hires men with funny accents to go get 'em. Responsible for obtaining price quotes for instruments, instrument repairs, and uniforms, and submitting them to the treasurer. Won't transport your junk to and fro the shop. Maintains a working knowledge of equipment inventory. Distributes uniforms and instruments. Not responsible for picking up any equipment at a personal cost and should not use personal funds to pay for equipment. Coordinates closet clean-up. Not the band's bitch. Put away your own instrument.
Responsible for getting the band where it's going. Makes sure other schools know we're cumbing and finds out how long our shows are. Makes sure visiting bands know how to get here and what to do once they arrive. Knows what's going on with the buses. Cleans up the bus. Arranges for someone to get the press pass for each game. Gets people to host. E-mails someone. E-mails someone. Calls Academy. Goes to her office. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Brings a map. No, we are not there yet.
So who can run, you ask? Anyone who can vote, basically, though we'd like to point out that things like Spirit Manager and Head Manager aren't things first-years are necessarily the best choice for. Anyone you can swindle into doing the job is generally a good choice. If you would be terribly hurt by losing an election, you probably shouldn't run. Malicious campaigning activities are frowned upon, and anyone who leaves Band because of the way elections go is a jerk. A majority of those in attendance at the election is needed to win. Runoffs should be held as necessary, between the top two vote-getters. Candidates who have lost will be brought back in to deliberations and voting. Keep it short and civil. If you cumb to elections, stay until the end lest ye incur the wrath of Johnson. The Drum Major shall assume his or her duties immediately upon election, while all others assume their duties at halftime of the last football game of the season. The new and old managing boreds will work in conjunction until Christmas, or December 25th for you Orthodox Jews. Don't fuck over the new Bored. The Bored shall meet weekly on Thursdays during football season and fortnightly during basketball season. The bored should meet at least once a month during the rest of the year. Any smartass who asks if summer and winter breaks are "the rest of the year" can fly the Starship Enterprise 3000 fucking miles to California specifically to bite Tom Berman's ass. Bored members show up to everything. At the end of a Bored's term in office, written short and long term goals should be given to the new Bored. A quorum is two thirds.
Article the Second:
To insure the originality of Band Humor, there will be no sanctioned excerpts from Monty Python, Tom Lehrer, Jim Lehrer, Seth McFarlane, "This is Spinal Tap," or anything very science-fictiony. Douglas Adams' works count as "very science-fictiony." Now that "The Simpsons" writers suck floppy donkey dick, it (along with "South Park") is also forbidden. Columbia != Colombia. Should any maggot fall in violation of these terms, he/she shall be banished to no less than three overnight Magic: The Gathering trips with the Games Club. The use of Top Ten lists in band scripts is strictly forbidden.
Article the Third:
The Band will sing on bus rides leaving Columbia (except Brown). You will NEVER sing Don McLean. Nothing will open before the band crosses 125th street (or 110th for trips south).
Article the Fourth:
Article the Fifth:
The Band will surf during the percussive interlude in "Wipeout." Also, no citizen will be forced to quarter British soldiers to lodge in his/her dorm room.
Article the Sixth:
Headgear of no kind shall be worn during the official performance of either the "Star Spangled Banner," "Soomaaliyeey Toosoo," or "Sans Souci." Yarmulkes are considered headgear.
Article the Seventh:
The Band will perform the night before the Organic Chemistry Final at 11:59 p.m. in the College Reading Room of Butler Library, the Van Am Quad, in front of President Lee (and whoever he's sleeping with)'s house, Wien, the Barnard Quad and Furnald Lawn. Watch out for falling objects.
Article the Eighth:
The Brown Band is a bunch of geeks, but at least Kyle boned the V.P.. Harvard needs to untuck their polo shirts, Yale is garbage and Princeton is merely okay. Dartmouth is a bunch of losers, but they got up to make us pancakes even though we were too drunk to eat them. Cornell (still) needs an enema. And that's everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.
Article the Eighth and a Half:
Brown is a bunch of stoners, but at least Dan boned the drum major. Harvard needs to keep their pants on and their lights off. Princeton is merely okay, and Yale is good for sexting. Dartmouth is a bunch of losers, but they have nice underwear. Cornell STILL needs an enema. And that's everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.
Article the Ninth:
Stew Leonard's shall be visited at least once on each trip to the North of New York City. In Connecticut, take I-95 to exit 16, follow the signs to Route l, and look for the Cow that goes "Moo!". For Cornell, Yonkers is dope. Take I-87 to exit 6A onto Stew Leonard Drive. Take a left at the end of the exit ramp and proceed straight to the top of the hill. YOU CAN'T MISS US!!!
Article the Tenth:
You may be winning, but you suck as people (circa 20th Century).
Article the Eleventh:
Membership may immediately be revoked. . . If you want to throw someone out of something important, like an actual position, a majority of the Bored must vote at a closed meeting to call an impeachment hearing. The hearing must be announced beforehand and be held at a general band meeting (a "Thursday" meeting if you will). At this hearing, all votes are closed and anonymous. The rest of the Bored (i.e. eight people) has to agree in order for an impeachment to be carried out. Afterward, anyone can call for a vote to overturn the Bored's decision (whichever decision it may be). A two- thirds majority of all present bandies (including the Bored and impeachee) is required to overturn. If someone leaves a position for any reason (for example, impeachment, resignation, death), you have to wait a week, but no longer than 2 weeks, to vote on his or her replacement. In the interim, the Bored will appoint a replacement.
Article the Twelfth:
The old gigantic bass drum and the sousaphone do not fit through the revolving turnstile-cage-thing at the 215th street subway station.
Article the Thirteenth:
Amending this baby. Amendments can be proposed by any plebe, but it takes a two-thirds (6 of 9) Managing Bored vote to approve it. If the Band thinks the Bored has just gone out of their respective heads, they can do a veto thing, with a two-thirds majority of all present bandies. That's democracy, folks. A review of the Constitution should be done yearly, near the end of the present Bored's term in office.
Article the Fourteenth:
No videos should be watched on the band bus. Trust us. But, if you're stupid enough to insist otherwise, watch porn. The majority picks the movie.
Article the Fifteenth:
The treasurer is in charge of getting the bagels, cream cheese and no-pulp orange juice for the band before football games. Each of the other bored members is expected to help at least once during the season. Personnel will never have anything to do with bagels.
Article the Sixteenth:
Necessary appointed, non-Bored positions shall be created at the discretion of the Bored. A simple majority is required. A separate vote shall be taken by the Bored on who's gonna do the job at the start of the academic year, or whenever the position is created. Anyone can submit nominations. If an appointed position is vacated, a temporary replacement shall be appointed by that Bored member under whose auspices the position resides, and a Bored vote must be taken as soon as humanly possible to fill the position permanently. The current appointed positions are: Scriptreader and S&M (don't call it Sketches & Movies), under the auspices of the Poet Laureate, Section Leaders (at least 3 must be appointed: brass, winds, and percussion), under the Drum Major, Music Librarian, under the auspices of the Drum Major, Webmaster under the auspicious penis of the Minister of Propaganda.
Article the Sixteenth and a Half:The position of Alumni Coordinator will be a non-voting bored position (like Washington, D.C.) elected by the whole band at a rehearsal near the end of the year in May, running through to the subsequent May. The details of this position will be determined by the incoming 2012-13 bored and this amendment will be amended to reflect that before May 2013.
Article the Seventeenth:
If you play the trumpet, but you're a miscie, you're an asshole.
Article the Eighteenth:
Keep your damn frat shit out of our band.
Article the Nineteenth:
Article the twelfth is hereby repealed.
Article the Twentieth:
Chris Lee is a trooper.
Article the Twenty-first:
Stealing underwear = important.
Article the Twenty-second:
Article the Twenty-third:
Do not expect a reimbursement. Ever.
Article the Twenty-fourth:
Article the fourth is hereby repealed.
Article the Twenty-fifth:
Try to perform at the following events: Class Act, the Underground Tour at Orientation, Performance Showcase at Orientation (fuck the mermaid), all football games, the library, all men's and women's basketball games, April Fools Day, Tax Day, the Yiddish Cabaret, the library (again), and Alumni Weekend. Never again ask Len Fine if you can play in his Chemistry class. You are invited and encouraged to attend. Play at as many other sports games as you can. We used to do Barnard Founders' Day, but that's up to you. Try for Days on Campus. If you're gonna get paid, you should probably do it. Whatever you do, make as much noise as possible.
Article the Twenty-sixth:
Steve should go to Hell.
Article the Twenty-seventh:
If you don't know, ask Jeremy Lopez.
Article the Twenty-eighth:
Article the Twenty-ninth:
If you can play tenor sax and snare drum, but you play cowbell, you're an asshole - unless you dramatically improve Cornell's field show.
Article the Thirtieth:
LeBron James can't dance.
Article the Thirty-first:
Article the Thirty-second:
A set of closet keys must permanently reside in New York, in case of hurricane.
Article the Thirty-third:
The Band shall carry the national flag of Somalia onto the field for the pregame and halftime show against Harvard every year. kthxbai.